How to write your own wedding vows
Writing your own marriage vows isn’t always easy, so ABIA asked a team of expert wedding celebrants for their wedding vow ideas, including where to begin, what to say, where to find inspiration and tips for creating beautiful, personalised civil marriage ceremonies.
You might have booked the ideal wedding venue and chosen the perfect wedding dress but, essentially, the focus of your wedding day will be the marriage vows you and your partner exchange at the ceremony. And if you’re planning on writing your own but don’t know where to begin, there’s no need to stress. Tanya Bywater consults a team of highly-experienced marriage celebrants, who share their thoughts on writing personalised wedding vows filled with emotion and meaning.
Claire Belford Marriage Celebrant | @petekarlstrom.weddings
Understanding the legal requirements for wedding vows in Australia
In Australia there are legalities surrounding the wording of vows used in civil marriage ceremonies and the following declaration must be said out loud at some point during the nuptials:
I call upon the persons here present to witness that I [full name] take you [full name] to be my lawfully wedded wife/husband/spouse.
“There are some slight variations allowed on this statement,” according to Sydney marriage celebrant Claire Belford, but in essence the declaration must be included in some way during the wedding ceremony, with personalised wording added around it.
Claire also points out that while personalised marriage vows have become popular, they’re not for everyone and there are lots of other ways for couples to add personal touches if vow writing isn’t for them.
“I never put any pressure on a couple to write their own personal marriage vows,” she says. Though, of course, she offers plenty of encouragement for couples keen to customise their ceremony with words of their own choosing.
Sally Hughes Celebrant | @coreywrightphotographer
Where to start with writing wedding vows
If you do opt to enhance your ceremony with personal anecdotes and heartfelt reflections, Gold Coast marriage celebrant and emcee Toni Paget suggests couples agree on a few factors from the outset.
“Most couples like to keep their vows a secret from each other, but make sure you’re on the same page about style and length,” she says.
Toni encourages her couples to chat about whether they want sentimental or funny wedding vows, or a mix of both, but also stresses they shouldn’t overthink the process. “Keep it real, keep it you, and have fun with it,” she advises.
Melbourne marriage celebrant Sally Hughes agrees with a relaxed approach.
“There are no rules when it comes to personal vows,” she affirms. “Remember that you’ll never be able to express everything you love about your partner, so view the exercise as an opportunity to highlight just a few things.”
To narrow down those highlights, Adelaide marriage celebrant Vicky Flanegan suggests recording memories and thoughts as they come to mind.
“Make little voice notes on your phone, when you notice something you love about your person, or keep a notepad next to the toilet or shower for those moments when inspiration strikes,” Vicky suggests. “That way when you actually sit down to pull your vows together you are halfway there.”
“Think about what you adore about your partner, some heartfelt promises, a few cherished memories, and maybe even a sweet quote you stumble upon while scrolling through social media,” Toni reinforces.
Toni Paget Celebrant & MC | @wild.weddings
How to write wedding vows
Once you’ve gathered a good variety of memories, musings and ideas about your relationship and your future together, and are ready to embark on the vow writing process, a ‘beginning, middle and end’ structure generally works best, according to ABIA’s panel of expert celebrants.
Beginning
“Start by saying your partner's name,” Toni suggests. “It makes the moment feel extra intimate.”
Then our celebrants advise continuing with a storytelling approach, recalling memories of the day you met, describing first impressions or revisiting the early days of your love story, keeping the tone as humorous or sentimental as befits your personalities.
Middle
Next move on to your partner’s endearing qualities and focus on the commitment you’re making to them.
“This is the part of the ceremony where you make your actual promises for your life together,” Claire says.
She suggests incorporating a series of personalised pledges, with wording along the lines of:
- ‘I promise to…’
- ‘I vow to…’
- ‘I will always…’
End
To wrap things up look ahead to the future — your hopes and dreams and all you’re looking forward to as you embark on married life together — then seal the deal with a meaningful quote or final heartfelt statement.
Finally, it’s a good idea for you both to run your individual vows by your celebrant.
“We can’t have one person write something super sentimental and their partner follow up with a comedy sketch,” Claire points out. “So, I always ask that vows are emailed to me, so that I can ensure that the length and sentiment are aligned.”
Vicky Flanegan Marriage Celebrant | Benny Wylde
How long should wedding vows be?
It’s your day, so you can gush for half an hour if you really want to, but for most couples — and their guests — one to two minutes is enough.
Claire encourages her couples to aim to compose anywhere between 150 and 200 words of personalised content. “In my experience, that’s an adequate length,” she advises.
When settling on timing Toni also suggests, “Go for a word count, rather than vague terms like ‘short and sweet’, because for one of you that might mean two lines, and for the other two paragraphs”.
Should wedding vows be funny or serious?
The tone of your nuptials is entirely up to the two of you, but our celebrants agree on the importance of staying true to yourselves, reflecting your personalities and keeping within your comfort zones when it comes to delivery.
“Everyone's love is unique and how one couple expresses their love is very different to the next couple, of course,” Vicky emphasises. “Not everyone is a 'shout it from the rooftop' lover.”
“Authenticity is key,” Sally emphasises. She reflects on one couple, who felt overwhelmed by the idea of sharing their feelings in front of so many guests. “I suggested that they ignore everyone in the room and whisper something lovely, funny or even silly to each other. Whatever they felt like saying in that moment,” she remembers.
As for couples comfortable with a laugh and a giggle, humour is wholeheartedly encouraged by our celebrants, who all agree that it can enhance a ceremony and add a relaxed vibe to the celebration, provided it’s balanced with sentiment.
“Seriously deep vows are beautiful, but sprinkling in some laughs can make them even more special — and a lot easier to deliver,” Toni points out. “Couples often worry that inside jokes won't land with the audience, but who cares? If it gets a smile, a laugh, or even a tear from your partner, that's the magic you’re looking for.”
Our experts suggest blending humour with feeling usually works best though.
“A good formula can be to have two funny ones, then two or three heartfelt promises,’ Vicky recommends.
Whether elegant, hilarious, romantic or cheeky, our celebrants also advise taking a natural approach to vow delivery, keeping in mind that you’re surrounded by those who most love and support you.
“We all understand that hearts are beating fast in this moment and that emotions are heightened,” Sally emphasises. “It’s okay to cry, laugh and pause. It’s also perfectly fine to start a sentence again if a word has been misread. Your audience understands how intense this part of the ceremony can be and they actually enjoy the not-so-perfect moments.”
So what’s the secret to perfect wedding vows?
The secret, it seems, is to forgo perfection and aim to be yourselves. Remember your wedding isn’t a staged performance, it’s a celebration, so write from the heart, add a dash of humour if you want to, express yourselves however comes naturally and the result will be a wedding ceremony as unique and individual as the two of you.
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